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Did it appear as though I was going to write a review of a very nice Bed and Breakfast place? Such was not my motive. I would like to introduce to you the all new “Beauty and the Beast” (2009) directed by David Lister, and casting Estella Warren (Belle), Rhett Giles (sexy count Rudolph), Victor Parascos (Beast… for the last 1 minute of the movie) and Vanessa Gray (Helen the witch). I would also like to persuade you to NOT see the movie. Why? Well, here are the reasons:

  1. I am yet to hear/read from a single source (literary of otherwise) that  medieval women/girls wear mini dresses (yes, coming exactly to half-length of her thighs, then revealing some awesome cleavage *blushes*) with a leather, form-fitting vest and extremely well made leather calf-length boots. Well, somebody tried to imitate the tomb-raider. The color combination of the (only) dress on Belle was nice though, but the authors could have tried brown boots for a fashion boost.
  2. Beats me why all the other girls were wearing full length dresses with frills AND head scarves while Belle was clearly not appropriately dressed.
  3. When Belle goes into the forest for the first time to collect herbs… she struggles for her life to imprint on the viewers the notion of personal interest in the particular occupation. Reminded me of scenes preceding “the action” in porn movies… time killer to get in the action. Should I mention that action starts pretty soon?
  4. The horses move awfully slow…. How did Belle and the beast EVER manage to get away from the executioners?
  5. Blood purges EVERYWHERE!!! I mean EVERYWHERE!!! It reminded me a little of the effects used in the black and white Dracula movie. Especially the beheading of Helen.
  6. Helen’s character was cliché!
  7. For no reason, once the COUNT has been killed, beast turns back into the Prince he really is. From common fairytales, Ii would appear that beast would turn human once the witch was killed. From the storyline, he should turn back once the Troll has been killed. But NO!!! He turns into a Princely looking (very-average-Joe-like) person once count Rudolph is killed.
  8. Count Rudolph maintains the same expression throughout the whole movie. Reminded me of the constant expression of Bella in Twilight. Not exciting.
  9. It has a rating of exactly 2.4/10 in IMDB site as of the moment of writing this review. Enuf sed?

Two pluses in the whole movie:

1. Helen screams “How dare you?” from her bodyless head (after Beast had chopped it off). Then immediately falls silent.

2. Rhett Giles looks too sexy to be true… :P… and the stubbles looked vey scratchable 😛 *scratches*

This movie has all the elements of a film produced for the low income population of Bangladesh. The movies we ridicule while in the company of “educated” family and friends. You could just as well watch one of those. Chances are, those will be a little more funny. Hence a little more bang for the buck.

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My mind was itching for a good while for writing a BASHING critique against the Twilight trilogy. Every time I tried to write one, my conscience reminded that there is an array of Twilight critics concocting twilight critiques, and ending up as just another fish in the sea was not an alluring option. But while cleaning my room twenty minutes ago, I stumbled across THIS… and all restrictions took flight.

July 2008

I was checking out of a Chapters outlet when the above bookmark caught my attention. God, this bookmark looked so… smart! The white queen on the face side and the red pawn at a catch-me-if-you can distance on a classic chessboard and all fading to black on the sides looked nothing but appealing.

Hence while the cash girl scanned the barcodes, I flipped the bookmark to the other side. It read: “When you loved the one who was killing you, it left you no options. How could you run, how could you fight, when doing so would hurt the beloved one? If your life was all you had to give, how could you not give it?” I automatically realized that I HAD no choice but to read the novel behind this lovely quote.

Then and there I made myself promise that I would read this book no matter what. I needed to know what it was about. Well, within a few weeks, the internet was buzzing with news about a movie named Twilight, supposedly made from a bestselling novel of the same name. No wonder it also mentioned that “girls” were crazy etc etc etc about this movie. I went on Wikipedia to check out all about the book, it seemed to be ok. MOREOVER, Breaking Dawn was a sequel to it! Maybe I’ll read the book. Came august, and I realized I was not affluent enough to buy any book of this trilogy.

Well, let’s not get into HOW I acquired these books. The fact is, I acquired a copy each of Twilight, New Moon and Breaking Dawn and over a week and a half of winter term 2009 not attending any classes, ended the trilogy. The simplest and easiest way to cover my response:

  1. Twilight: Sucks. Big Time. BAD grammer. NO literary value.
  2. New Moon: Erm….? Slightly eww.
  3. Breaking Dawn: Will read if I have nothing else to do

Yet, I noted that girls all over the world were freaking screaming whenever “Twilight” was mentioned. I thought that perhaps something was wrong with me. Perhaps I had overlooked something. Hence I invested another week in reading the trilogy over again. No improvement.

Then came the movie. “OMG. It was so bad.” I started to wonder whether the economic depression had anything to do with the quality of BOTH the book and the movie. Another thought came into my mind: Maybe the author and director of the movie are on a pact of making the movie as bad as the book.

Well, now that I am not so bedazzled by Twilight and the beautiful chessboard, I notice that the pawn and the Queen are not on the same colored squares. That, technically, is not just YET checkmate. Yes the pawn can move and then be eaten by the white queen, but Bella being signified by the red pawn and Edward by the white Queen now had a degustatory effect on my voracious mind.

CURRENT THOUGHTS: Will not watch New Moon (though I have heard that it is full of torsos). Might watch Breaking Dawn if the reviews are any good.

Well, if you liked this, you will LOVE Guinew Moon